I got pretty brave the other day. Seven days into potty-training, I decided to venture out into the deep, dark, black hole of nothingness, also known as Wal-Mart. It was a much needed trip and I prepped as much as I could. Extra clothes, successful potty-break before we left, pad in the car seat, short list and shopping route prepared, etc. I was as ready as I could have been.
All the items were in the basket and I was on the way to the check-out when Nathan started staring off into oblivion and he was "concentrating." I abruptly stopped the shopping cart, placed my hand over his crotch and said, "No, pee-pee in your pants!"
Oh to be a fly on the wall for the next 15 minutes.
I noticed a nickel-size wet spot on the outside of his pants and encouraged him to "Hold it! Hold it! No pee-pee in your pants! We're going to the bathroom right now. No pee-pee in your pants! Hold it! Katherine sit down and hold on!"
We made a bee-line directly to the lovely I'd-rather-squat-outside-the-building bathrooms at Wal-Mart. I unloaded two dazed and confused children and luckily the handicapped stall, though I like to refer to it as the "Family" stall, was arms wide opened, ready for our arrival. Nathan did conveniently stick his arm out and run it along the length of the tile wall as he was walking in. I mean, how do you know what a tile wall feels like while walking alongside it, unless you try it?
It wasn't a full house, but there were at least 2 other occupants in same room. I can only pray that they were mothers or grandmothers because only the baptized-in-children few would have understood what was going on in our stall. God help those ladies if they hadn't been around children very much.
I did my best to "cover" the seat with flimsy 1-ply toilet paper. Don't know why because every time I do the hiney-hover-landing on top of the paper, it's always moved and a piece of the germ-infested seat has been exposed, touching skin.
This is where the dialogue started to get sketchy, or maybe the best adjective would be, interesting.
At home, when it's potty showtime, the bathroom is quiet, free of distractions and many times I've had to ask Katherine to step outside for Nathan to have his privacy. She understands and starts dressing up a Barbie or something. Him and I usually have about 3-5 seconds worth of locked-in-eye time while I hypnotize him into going, or basically whisper sweet nothings. But we didn't have that luxury in the current facility, so the distractions were abounding.
Nathan's eyes were darting from one corner of the bathroom to the other, listening to conversations and watching his sister bounce around the large Family stall. I did my best to get his attention,"Nathan, it's time to go pee-pee honey. Shhhh, I don't hear it. Is there pee-pee coming out?"
Poor guy, he's trying to listen to me and concentrate on releasing the flood gates the entire time his sister is skipping around like a fairy and asking a hundred questions about what the toddler restraint seat is for.
K: "Mom, how do you put this on? Does this go over your head and then it clicks, like this? Is this for babies that open the door when their mommy is pee-ing? I think Nathan should get tied up in this, don't you? So, babies just sit on it like this?"
M: "Katherine, hush! Be still and be quiet! He hasn't gone yet and he needs to concentrate. Just stop!"
This is where the contorted mouth enters. I'm doing my best to be quiet, yet firm and let my little ones know I'm serious. So what better thing to do but turn both sides of my mouth down, scrunch up my nose, enlarge my eyeballs to a freakish size and talk without trying to move my lips. You know, the silent mom yell (hereby referred to as [smy]) I remember Bill Cosby perfecting.
N: "Mama, I all done."
M: "No, no, no you're not, you've haven't let the pee-pee out yet. I didn't hear it. [smy] Get your hand out of your mouth. This bathroom is disgusting, full of bugs that get in your ears and hurt."
Sidenote: Two weeks ago our Dr. visit yielded yet another ear infection and the best way I could describe it to Nathan was that bugs got in his ear and were stinging him. He got stung by something a couple weeks before that on his thumb so, now he describes ear infections as bugs in his ears. But the rest of the world doesn't know that story, we just sound like Rainbow people living in the woods with a hygiene problem when I tell that story in public.
N: "Mama, I all done."
M: "No, you're not, stay there and look me in the eye. [smy] Katherine, be still and don't put your hands in your mouth either. Let the pee-pee out."
Silence has overcome the bathroom. Probably some out of fear and some out of wondering if I would make it out alive.
And we have a tinkle sound.
You could almost hear the other women breathe a sigh of relief.
There was lots of praising, high fives, reminders to keep hands out of the mouth and convincing Katherine that she really didn't need to go here, it could wait until we get home.
Pull the pants up, make sure I'm not leaving a child or a purse in the stall and we head to the sinks. Nathan was thrilled because there was a shorter one and he declared 4 times in a row, "I unna do it all by myself, Mama!"
This is also when, in the heavenly realms of angels watching over mommies and children, one angel passed on her lighted torch to another. As we walked to the sinks, there was a younger mother there changing her child on the diaper changing table.
The torch has been passed because my angel was exhausted and ready to pass out.
That's all Katherine needed to see: an infant. It didn't matter what the infant was doing, it could have been hanging from the ceiling or even chewing on it's hand, it's an infant and she's mesmerized by them. So, one child is occupied, still and quiet and I've got the chance to take care of the other one.
I do as little assisting as I can with Nathan washing his hands and remind him once more, [smy] "Do not put your hands in your mouth." Dry off his hands and tell him, [smy] "Do not touch ANYTHING!"
And then it happened again. Well, maybe not the torch passing, but star-sprinkled glitter dust fell from the heavens and provided my little family with another toddler to attract Nathan's attention. The young mother calmly changing the infant's diaper also had an adorable toddler standing next to her with gorgeous, flowing, long brown curls and a sweet bow in her hair. But she was jumping up and down, holding her crotch, screaming, "I gotta go pee-pee! I gotta go pee-pee!"
That kept his attention long enough for me to help Katherine wash her hands, dry them off and calmly escort my kiddos out of the bathroom, drama-free! And it might have even looked like they were that good the entire time, to a select few!
Needless to say, making trips to any store with less-than-stellar bathroom facilities is not on the radar anytime soon.
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